glad to see ya. welcome back if you've been here before and a hearty welcome to you if this is your first time! i do hope you've enjoyed thus far and enjoy what's to come.
now. let's. get. to. it.
at the time, this statement came to me and resonated, literally, so much so that i got it tattooed down my spine. in the past six months or so, it's stuck with me more than i've ever experienced.
i recall hearing this word "love" , being told "i love you" and feeling unaffected. i can recall saying it in a way of bandaging whatever discussion or, perhaps disagreement, had just transpired. i can recall reciprocating this word or phrase solely because i felt i had to.
i was literally throwing it around with no regard. i was letting it be thrown at me and lifelessly drop to the ground, completely unbothered.
i began feeling a resentment when i heard it, questioning internally "do they mean this? they don't mean that shit." like in my head doubting everything and everyone, constantly wondering
"what if? do they? do i? what's wrong?!"
ALL THE QUESTIONS
all the damn doubt.
and where'd it get me?
it was weird af too because i “seemed” fine on the “outside”. maybe i didn’t but nobody said anything out of the ordinary. anyone reading this other than my mama and s / o knew nothing before just now. i’m a pretty good cover-upper-er.
i couldn’t tell you what it took for me to see all this, but i knew nothing felt right and i knew this was on me. i wasn’t doing or being enough for my own self in order to reassure whatever feelings went left and felt right in that moment of doubt, worry, or stress.
i didn't believe in me or in much of anything for a little while. i was quiet and standoffish. slipped into a baby bit of depression for a little while and that shit will consume you if you let it.
regardless of the problem itself, there always is one. a gentle reminder “that i’m still living” - a close friend recently said this to me and it clicked. life happens, it’s been happening and it’s going to keep happening, but we as individuals going through it have to find our own ways to make it through. and honestly not even to just make it through.
actually live the life that you've been given and love it all throughout.
the good. the bad. the indifferent.
now this isn't ending in a happy - happy - joy - joy, riding off into the sunset all well and good. ya girl is still out here strugglin' trying to figure it out, but i'm taking it one day at a time, appreciating things for what they are in the moment, and calling my own self out when i'm not treating myself with as much goodness as i could and should be.
nature, writing, and music are a few things i've been reacquainted with quite nicely as of late.
i've been giving love to myself much, much more.
this has helped me make a more conscious effort to love those around me better.
to live a life through love.
letting my actions speak even louder than the words tattooed down my spine.